Wow....when was the last time I said that to a guy and meant it? Who knows....
The good news is that I remember what that feels like...in fact, I just went there.
The bad news? I never got a chance to say it.
Maybe that's why I'm where I am. Maybe if I would have just said what I was feeling, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I should stop with the maybes....
I was just told, once again, that I'm too much of a dude.
I don't know how to fix this. I grew up without much of a motherly influence. My best friends have been (and always will be) guys. They trained me. My dad never taught me how to be a girl. My guy friends never taught me how to be a girl.
My guys friends taught me how to be strong and never take shit from anyone. ..especially being a single gal, alone in a city, left to fend for herself at all costs...I've learned everything I need to know on my own: dealing with cat calls and homeless harassers as I walk alone downtown at 3:00am; changing my own oil/tires/brakes/car things; the proper amount of bacon to add to things without being too "hipster" about it...I learned a bunch of dude things growing up. I play video games. I love snowboarding/skating/surfing/things that will fuck my face up when I fall. I love the word "fuck." I love beer and whiskey. I love shooting pool. I love video games. I'm competitive. I have a strong personality and I know how to use it.
My girlfriends taught me how to be annoying as fuck and really annoy the shit out of someone with their dependence.....and how to pluck my eyebrows. That's really about it. My girlfriends have taught me that without a man, your existence is lacking. To that I say, NO FUCKING WAY.
But, I guess that's why I'll be single forever.
It turns out, as much as guys LOVE what I have to offer (a gal who doesn't bitch and moan about breaking a nail and instead wants to go have beers and watch the football game with you, whaaaaat?!?!?!).....after a month or so, they hate it.
This is really shitty on my end. Every so often, I come across someone who I think is incredible....and then it goes really really well for a little while....and then the "dude" topic comes up.
So....I don't know how to be a girl....in a relationship. I totally can be a girl (and sadly, I am one...like right now as I sit here crying my eyes out while I type this....so fucking girly of me). Here is what I can NOT do....I cannot sit back and just assume some guy is gonna take care of everything for me. Guess what DUDES?!?!? Most of you will fucking cheat/divorce/not be in a relationship....and then what? The poor gal is left behind....usually with kids to deal with. So yeah, I learned how to do all the "dude things" so that I know how to take care of myself without the NEED to have a man in my life. Do I WANT a man to do all the man things???? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.....but do I NEED a man to do all the man things??? Not a chance in the world.
I'm learning how to NOT be so independent. The hard part for me is filtering out who is even worthy of keeping around. It's shitty when you're dating someone who claims to be a "man," but then would run and leave you stranded in the face of danger....unfortunately for me, that's 95% of the dating pool in Portland. They all come stock with gaping vaginas around these parts....you can't find a real man anywhere here. "Beard" does not always mean "man," just an FYI.
So....back to the drawing board.
Maybe I'll start investing in cats....chicks always have too many cats, right?